Everywhere I look, I see it. On the news, in conversations. Between nations, between political factions, between those with different beliefs. Between people who love each other. In epidemic proportions.
And, if I am honest, I see it in myself sometimes when I have abandoned my power in all sorts of ways.
It’s Blame.
My partner was told that he is the enemy and blamed for everything that is happening in Ukraine by a friend with different political views.
I see political factions pointing fingers and not taking responsibility for ways they may have contributed.
I see nations blaming other nations.
Blame is insidious. It’s rampant. And I am so fucking over it.
There is almost nothing that is more toxic to relationships- between nations, groups and individuals alike: The blamer blames the other for being the villain. The receiver of blame takes the stance of the victim, and blames the blamer for being the villain. And they fight over who is the real villain, and who the gets to be the biggest victim. Which is a shit show with no end.
UGH!!!!
Blame damages relationships. It excuses bad behavior. It is fake power. It relinquishes responsibility. It breaks connection. It destroys trust.
At its core, blame believes that criticism and complaints are needed for someone to improve by forcing them to take responsibility as the blamer sees it. But, in relationships, responsibility is not something that can be assigned, like a judge handing down a sentence. Responsibility is something that has to be taken.
I don't know what to do about all this blame being flung around on the world stage.
But I do know that in relationships between people, when responsibility is forced, it has the opposite effect desired by the blamer: The person being blamed feels unseen, unheard and unsafe. Taking responsibility feels vulnerable. Vulnerability needs safety. Without safety, it is very difficult to take responsibility.
Why would we even sign up for this toxic shitshow with each other?
We all do in some ways. I recognize that I do it when I give away my power to create what I want. When I blame some circumstance or someone else.
Because blame is an excellent defense mechanism, an easy way out of owning what we are responsible for.
Blame is an addiction. Just like the misuse of alcohol, internet, food- anything that numbs our pain so we don’t have to experience it. It's a way of detaching from our feelings and making them about someone else. Without our addictions, we would actually have to feel what we are trying not to feel. And feeling our pain is essential for our healing and stopping the blame cycle.
Blame excuses us from the inaction of doing something difficult, hampering our growth. It excuses us for the words we use and the harm we do.
Blame is the way of a child. A child gets to experience blame, learn its lesson and outgrow it. But we adults get to just stop it and take responsibility for ourselves.
And what are we responsible for? Our thoughts. Our beliefs. Our pain and our triggers. (Yes, our pain and triggers are shining a light on our own shadows.) The stories we tell ourselves about the intentions of others. About what these stories tell us about ourselves. The actions we take or don’t take as a result. Including taking a victim stance when we are blamed.
We can choose not to participate in the blame cycle. We can practice self awareness. We can choose to be curious about the feelings that are underneath the blamer’s blame. (Which isn’t easy. Don’t I know it.) We can choose to be creative in the ways we solve problems together. (And there they are again, Creativity and Curiosity, my two favorites), We can express our own feelings and how we are impacted by someone using “I” statements. We can accept responsibility for the ways we impact others. We can accept responsibility for co-creating our relationships. We can take responsibility for ourselves.
We can take responsibility by accepting that, if we don’t have what we want, it's because we did not created it. That we have abandoned ourselves somewhere. We can take responsibility for choosing to stay in an unhealthy situations and removing ourselves from them.
Taking care of ourselves is ultimately our own responsibility. That is where our power and creativity lies.
Starting with me.
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