Now I'm laughing.
Now that my taxes are filed.
You guys, I have a gigantic trigger around numbers.
I have story about my relationship with numbers:
Numbers are like a horses.
They smell my fear and then they fuck with me.
They shapeshift, they behave in unpredictable ways,
adding up one way one moment, and another way the next.
(I might be a wee bit dyslexic. It runs in the family).
I dread taxes.
Even thinking about them, I feel my body contract, my breath becomes shallow, my chest and shoulder tighten.
I anticipate frustration, confusion, desperation, misery, danger.
Because numbers are connected to my memories of poor performance. (Algebra-aaahhhhhahahahsob).
I recognize the part of me that is in the room:
The Child shadow,
who felt wrong, broken, stupid, and very afraid.
Who tried to hide her struggle.
Who didn't want to disappoint the adults,
and so didn't ask for help.
The Child who still likes to talk about her number triggers alot.
She is actually addicted to that story.
Because it lets her stay helpless and childish.
Its lets her be a victim.
And victims have no power.
Because with power comes responsibility, which the Child dislikes.
So she stays hooked to her indentity of the Child.
Thanks to 2 years of coaching training and practice
venturing into the darkness of my own painful shadows,
(because I can only walk next to clients in their darkness when I can walk with myself in my own),
this tax season, I observed the Child:
I did not ignore her.
I did not dismiss her anxiety,
but felt it fully in my body and didn't pack it away.
I didn't allow the stern Bully shadow to shame the
Child's feelings or make her feel broken.
She is a part of me.
We all have a Child shadow who holds painful memories of failing at something we didn't do well, being disapproved of, shamed, misunderstood, not helped enough.
Too many of us learned to talk to our Child shadow the way some of the big people talked to us:
"You're being a baby. Buck up. What's wrong with you? Get over it. "
Those feeling don't go away. The go underground and get stuck.
They continue to block parts of our growth until we choose to bring them into our consciousness.
So, when it came time for me to do my taxes and my Child shadow started freaking out,
I sat with her. I listened.
I told that it was ok that she didn't know how to do it.
"Honey, we hired a tax accountant.
We will do what we can and let the expert help us out.
You are not alone here. I got you."
Because I am not a child.
I am not the Child shadow, though she is a part of me.
I am not any of my shadows, though they are a part of me.
And there is no part of me that is separate from the Divine.
Take that in:
THERE IS NO PART OF YOU THAT IS SEPARATE FROM THE DIVINE.
How do you feel about what you think of as your failings now?
Your mess, your limitations, your shame, your mistakes?
Those are parts of you that need your love, forgiveness, gratitude and respect.
Tell the Child in that you love her.
That you've got her.
Tell her it's not her job to do the taxes- or anything she is afraid of doing or can't do.
That it's YOUR job.
You, with your grown-up wisdom, experience, resources, talents.
The Child shadow and I made it through my tax return for the first time owning my own business and selling a property.
I got you kid, I got you.
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