Feeling it.

I got hurt. I tripped on a metal plate on the sidewalk and fell hard on my cheekbone. I felt foggy for a moment while people near by helped me up.

Please know that I’m ok. Just stunned. And sore in a few spots.

I walked home and my partner is taking good care of me, supplying me with fresh ice packs.

And the dialogue in my head is going like this:

“That was shocking and it hurt but I’m fine. I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine fine fine. It’s not really a big deal people get hurt all the time and they are fine. I need to stay on my schedule for my day. I’M FINE.”

And yet- safely back home being cared for, the tears welled up behind my eyes.

I fought them- I’m FINE! Tough it out!

I fought them because I made them wrong. I made my vulnerability wrong. I made my fear wrong. I made my tenderness wrong. UNNECESSARY.

And I caught myself making my feelings wrong because of my deep committment to be FEEL-ABLE. Of making no part of the soft human in me wrong, dismissing it, gaslighting it, minimizing it.

That is injurious, to self, to others, to the world.

Our soft human is necessary. Compassion lives there. Love lives there. Our humanity lives there.

Please make yours necessary to you. Let her dance with joy. Let her cry. Give her what she needs.

We need her. Humanity needs her.

I’m giving myself a break from my schedule for the morning to care for my nervous system and body for a few hours. I could muscle through it, but no. I am gratefully receiving self-care and my partners care.