"Well Miss Linda! What have you learned about yourself?"
I knew he would ask me that question, with his warm smile and laughing voice, without fail, every time I sat down in his cozy office. And I knew I had to have an answer.
And even when I didn't come to him with any pressing issues, I would always leave with the gift of his mind-blowing insight and wisdom. Every. Single. Time.
The teachings of the Buddha, The Great Rabbi, (his name for Jesus), Joseph Campbell. The quantum physics of creating our lives. Mantras and meditation. The neuroscience of fear and reactivity. Living in mindfulness. Being present.
John, neuropsychologist, spiritual seeker, the most transformative therapist/coach/teacher I ever had, my friend, has died. He continues to serve me in death. He wanted it that way.
He taught me the most important lessons of anyone in my whole life about being human, about love, about self-compassion, about relationships. Nothing I felt was ever wrong- not fear, or pain, anger or sadness. It was all celebrated as a place from which to grow and learn.
"This isn't therapy", he would say. "This is self-awareness work".
And it was self-responsiblity work. For every blame I had, every victim story, he wouldn't sit with me in my powerlessness. He would lead me into curiosity and authorship instead. "What if- you tried something new? Something different instead?" He never judged my fallability- in fact, he loved it. "Because you have hair. Join the club, " he would say.
"Remember, we don't do shame here."
He brought me to an ayahuasca retreat. From that experience , I saw how I try to control what is not mine to controI, and by trying to stay in control, I block the infinite resources of the unknown.
Ayahuasca also brought me a vision- the face of a woman made of points of light, like a constellation against the black night of space, her eyes glowing a deep tanzanite blue. I was awed by her strength and beauty and moved to tears that this goddess was visiting me. And why me? Years later, after retiring from the security of my career, after I had been deep into my intensive coaching training and even deeper in my work of clearing my own shit, I now know why. She was me. Her strength is mine. Her divinity is mine.
My life would look dramatically different if it weren't for John. Less colorful. Less adventurous. Less courageous. Less truthful. Less creative. I hear his words everyday, still. "How long are you going to live, Linda?" he would ask every time I made an excuse for letting my fear stop me from doing what I wanted to do.
"What if life is not so serious after all? What if its just one big playground where you get to discover your most genius expression of you?"
Everything I have done in the past 6 years to create a life that has more meaning, more challenge, more growth, more beauty, more curiosity and more love is because he showed me the way. John's favorite thing about walking with someone on their genius path was watching how they uniquely integrated his teachings by doing it their way. "It's absolutely magical," he would say. He inspired me to become a coach, to integrate my creativity into it to help others clear the way to live in their light. The way he did for me.
When I cried in my partners arms upon hearing of his death, he said, "you get to carry the light now."
John died three times in his life. "Death feels like walking into the next room," he told me. "And there you reunite with all the souls you travel with on the same path through eternity. And it’s like you’re back from a vacation, and they are so excited to see you again and to hear about what you have learned."
I hope I am one of the souls who travels through eternity with John. And when I walk into the next room, I hope he is there, with his big warm smile, to ask me, "So Miss Linda! What did you learn about yourself?"
My grief and my gratitude are bottomless.
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