He pegged me as being stubbornly independent years ago. And I thought, well, yeah. Isn’t that how I am supposed to be as a woman? To do everything for ourselves? To not ask for help- even when we need to? To know all that we need to know? Because weak and vulnerable is the woman who isn’t completely self-sufficient? And we are more safe and secure when we do it all ourselves? Isn’t that what we have been taught? Isn't that what our culture rewards us for?
What I didn’t notice at the time, but can recall now, was disappointment on his face.
Ladies, we ARE immensely capable, experienced and talented. When we create from the full enjoyment of our capabilities, we embody the Creative Power Couple within of Masculine AND Feminine energies.
BUT- when we create from a reflex to over-function so that we are not judged as needy, so that we will not criticized high maintenance, so that we earn love for our accomplishments, so that we don’t have to have our trust broken again by relying on others, we live in a state of exhausting hyper-vigilance and are on the road to burn-out.
Which is what happened to me before I left my life as a creative director and main-breadwinning wife.
AND- we c*ckblock the Masculine provisional energies of God/Universe/Sources, Life and the human man from bringing the creational ingredients we don’t have, (as amazing as we are), to co-create with us in a way that is beyond what we can do for ourselves. Which is what I have done for much of my life: working hard to have all my own answers, relying almost solely on my own knowing, my own intuition, talents and experience. And when I did that not from the pure pleasure of my power, but as self-protective over-functioning- even when I was in partnerships- it’s because I come from a female lineage of wounded Masculine's mis attunement and sketchy provision.
I still did not feel safe. And I burned out.
Enter HIM, who does most things better than I do. Who knows so much more than I do, has a better eye that I do, makes better decisions more quickly.
My Eros is breathless in the climactic, high-sensation of receiving SO MUCH from him as my latent Feminine desires remember themselves.
But my Ego hates it. If feels like it’s out of the job of keeping up and proving myself.
And I told him so.
"You are doing SO much for me. It feels weird- like I should be doing more.” "Sweetheart," he said. "Just being you is ALL you need to do."
And there it is.
The hot, co-creational dance of Masculine with Feminine polarity: provision dancing with receiving, cherishing dancing with respect, "doing" dancing with "being”- when we don’t c*ckblock the provision of the gifts that Masculine energy is meant to give the Feminine- whether from God/Universe/Soure, Life and the human man. I now know that he is providing me with not only much-needed improvements of my home but a lesson in surrendering control, relaxing and trusting in his expert provision, (and- THIS IS IMPORTANT- over time I have discerned that I CAN), experiencing how that feels in my body, and holding myself in my discomfort and the high-sensation of receiving his massive provision.
And receiving his gifts is also in service to HIM: Because the Masculine has to DO good to FEEL good. Ladies, when we insist on being his equal in all ways, at all times, on proving ourselves to him, on competing with him, on c*ckblocking his gifts out of our egoic need to not need them, we kill our own Feminine co-creational magic, and reject the invitation to dance with all of life. And then we don’t get what we REALLY desire.
The strong will of the Masculine, coming at us to provide can be a lot to take.
But ladies, we can take it- when we commit to the practice of living in a constant open state of receiving, and holding ourselves in any ego discomfort that may create.
We are built for that. It is our Feminine creational power.
And it is P*ssytwinkle®.
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